HOW do you know if your child is being intimidated – and what should you do…
It could be your son coming home hungry from school each day, or with his school bag or uniform damaged. It could be your daughter becoming “ill” on school days and wanting to stay at home. Or one of your children starts bullying their own siblings over the kitchen table.
Whatever the differences in behaviour are, there’s a strong chance that bullying could be behind them.
The statistics are damning. Research by Child Helpline International, which operates 173 helplines in 142 countries worldwide, states that on average, every child helpline receives about nine contacts a day from children affected by bullying, whether it be online or in the playground.
But what is a parent to do if you suspect your son or daughter is being affected, yet they consistently deny that anything is wrong?
“If children are exhibiting behaviour that makes parents think they’re being bullied, for a parent it’s all about conversations with them,” says Kamaljit Thandi, acting head of service at the NSPCC Helpline.
“Openness is so important,” she claims. “If a child has a trusted adult who is reassuring them that there don’t need to be any secrets and that they can talk to them about anything then, in our experience, a child will usually feel that they can open up and talk about what is happening to them, whether it be bullying in the playground or online, even if they’re reluctant to talk at first.”
As bullying extends well beyond physical harassment and name calling and on to the realm of the internet, there can be an increasing sense that admitting to being bullied will cause parents to restrict or block their online life, with negative consequences. Dr Sherri Gordon, US author of books including Beyond Bruises, says: “If adults take away their access to computers or phones, this sends two messages. First, it’s not worth telling an adult. And second, the victim is to blame because she’s the one who’s being punished.”
So how should we, as parents, negotiate our way against ever-changing apps and social media? And are the ways to tackle a suspected bullying problem different if your child is in primary school or at secondary? We asked Kamaljit Thandi and NHS child psychologist Dr Robert Dawson* for their advice…
Ages five to seven
Dr Dawson: “At this age, bullying probably isn’t going to be occurring in an online capacity, although through gaming and playing online with other users, this is fast changing even among very young children. The important thing is that a child should feel safe in being honest with you. Paying attention is crucial here in terms of looking for changes in mood such as feeling withdrawn or suddenly not wanting to socially engage with other kids their age. It’s possible that a child at this age range may not be able to articulate particularly well what is happening. Love and trust need to be expressed here – it’s vital for a child to know that whatever is happening isn’t their fault, which is a common reaction a young child could have if they’re being bullied.”
Kamaljit Thandi: “Bullying at this age can often happen because a child is perceived by their peers as having something different about them. Spending time with your child, knowing your child and sensing a change in mood and behaviour can often be signs of bullying that you can detect without them actually admitting to a problem. Children at this young age can still express their feelings and it’s down to parents to liaise with the relevant people at their school or after-school club. It’s important to remember the role the bullies themselves play here and the fact that they’re young children too. Parents need to ask, along with teachers etc, what is affecting the bully as well as their victim. Rather than targeting and attacking, which is easy to do when your child is upset and emotions run high, it’s important to talk on a very calm level with teachers or parents about the underlying issue for both parties. There’s a bigger picture here than just the child being bullied.”
Ages eight to 12
Dr Dawson: “It’s quite easy for a child in this age range to feel, if they’re being bullied, that it will go away if they just keep their head down. This can be a common reason as to why a child wouldn’t tell their parents about a bullying problem. We use a word called ‘somatisation’, whereby psychological distress can be manifested through bodily symptoms such as stomach upsets and headaches. It’s important not to be angry if your child tells you regularly that they’re ill and you don’t really believe them. Again, making sure your son or daughter feels comfortable, in a safe place and able to be honest with you are absolutely essential. These days this is more important than ever. Before the internet, it was possible to go home and think that the problem of being bullied went away. Now a child can feel scared every time they turn on their computer. It’s easy to think that the bullying is pervading every element of their lives and it’s important for parents to understand that one of the reasons a child may be reluctant to admit the problem is that the problem seems so vast. Apps and social media mean bullying can extend well beyond the school gate.”
Kamaljit Thandi: “This is an age when the use of social media really increases. A common ‘solution’ that parents use when their child denies a bullying problem, but the parents want to help stop it, is to take away their phone or severely restrict internet access. This, in our experience at the NSPCC, can actually be very counterproductive. The truth is that for children in 2015, the internet is an absolutely intrinsic part of their world. Depriving them of this can actually make them feel even more alone and stop them looking for online groups and circles where they can find the kind of friendship and interaction they want. The key is to always be aware of privacy settings. Children tend not to pay too much attention to these and often believe that putting something they later regret online is OK as it’s just temporary. This isn’t the case. We always advise parents to work with their children to improve privacy settings and security options so that they can still be online but not be subjected to bullying.”
Age 12 upwards
Dr Dawson: “At this age, it’s important to remember a young teenager can feel great shame at being bullied. They can also worry that parents will make the problem worse. Parents can feel very outraged and want to storm into school to confront teachers. This can disturb a teenager, who may think this is going to make the problem worse. For a parent, it’s very important to reassure the child that any decisions will be arrived at together with them. If a child feels they can tell a parent without setting off a chain of events that will worsen things, and they feel that they are going to retain control over how the situation is fixed, it’s far more likely that they will confide in and let you know what’s happening.”
Kamaljit Thandi: “Teenagers are learning a lot about their bodies at this age and issues with regard to self-harming, truancy from school, and taking risks with alcohol or drugs. Bullying can become a lot more sophisticated and teenagers can also be quite good at denying or hiding problems. However, parents do instinctively know when something is wrong, no matter how secretive their child is. But it’s vital to be aware of subtle differences. Things like weight loss or weight gain are often a sign of unhappiness and we always recommend that sitting down and spending time with your son or daughter where there’s no anger or judgment is so important. If bullying doesn’t go unchecked then it can mean in later life there can be serious mental health effects. If you deal with it at the time, you can prevent this. Parents should always remember that if you pick up on the signs then you can help.”
For more information on bullying, visit nspcc.org.uk.
*Dr Dawson’s name has been changed to protect the identity of his patients and their families.
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