What's is the best time to educate my Children on Sex

Mother teaching Kids

Dear Reginald,

My children are growing up and they are both male and female respectively. The first child is twelve and a girl. There are two boys after her and then another girl. I have seen the girl chatting with her phone and I have overheard her discussing boys with her friends from school.
My first boy is almost 11 and he’s wild on the internet. He practically knows about websites and where and how to get information including porn sites.

I have had the urge to discuss sexual matters with them but my husband still thinks they are too young and I shouldn’t put ideas on their heads. What do you think?

Letty, Port-Harcourt

Dear Letty,

Understanding sexuality is a lifelong process. Parents give children messages about sex and sexuality from the time they are born. Experts suggest that by age five, children should be taught “the basics” — the names of body parts; that love should make people feel good, safe, and wanted; and that their bodies belong to themselves. Elementary school children should have a basic awareness of gender roles, health care, human reproduction, and sexual identity, and they should be comfortable with their own sexual thoughts and fantasies.

Children age 9-13 should be aware that sex is a natural, pleasurable part of life. They should be familiar with safe sex and sexually transmitted infections, the changes that will be happening to their bodies and emotions during puberty, and the dangers of sexual abuse. Older teens should have a broader understanding of human sexuality and how it relates to sexual behaviours, social pressures, relationships, parenting, and the potentially harmful consequences of sexual relationships.

My husband is an alcoholic 

Uncle Reginald,

My husband is an alcoholic. It is indeed an embarrassment because he has done things that brought shame to the family. We have tried all manner of treatments in the past all to no avail. But recently, he has been sober. He is on the drug that makes one very ill if the person drinks. He says this time he is going to stay sober. My main concern is he has done a lot of damage to our marriage. Now that he is sober, I have asked him for some very basic needs, liking treating me like a wife instead of an object of abuse like he was doing. Am I just wasting my time? I know when I ask for so little and get absolutely nothing, I get angry. Should I just give up?

Adaobi, Onitsha

Dear Adaobi,

I certainly understand your feeling but can you trust his recovery process? In fact, as you likely know, you (and he) can only take it one day at a time. His sobriety is very new; caution needs to be high.

Perhaps before he can be a more loving and giving partner, he has to acclimate to his non-drinking status, to have further mind-body adaptation to his changing biochemical and psychological make-up. He also needs to confront his shame and make amends for the damage he’s done. At the same time, you need the opportunity to express your hurt and anger both with him and, perhaps, with yourself, if you enabled his problem drinking in any way. All this is best handled with a counselor trained in substance abuse.

Also, people close to your husband should gather to share their concerns and confront your husband’s self-defeating and hurtful behaviour. These actions will help you clarify next steps in your life: you’ll be more clear and confident of your needs and wants, goals and direction with or without your husband. Seeing you moving ahead with your life, may just be the “tough love” wake up call he needs.

It is very difficult watching a loved one suffer through alcohol addiction, but you do have to do something to curtail it before the addiction gets any worse.