THE general belief is that most of those who cheat do so because they’re not getting what they want from their partner at home. A new research recently published in the archives of Sexual Behaviour has, however, punched holes into this belief.
The study found that men who are easily sexually aroused are more likely to cheat on their partners and that both men and women with sexual performance issue were also prone to infidelity.
“For men who are easily aroused, it’s not surprising being unfaithful would be tempting but the latter sounds counter- intuitive, says Professor Robin Milhansen, one of the authors of the study and a sexuality researcher at the University of Guelph in Canada. “Those who have any number of sexual concerns are more likely to be unfaithful. What we’ve interpreted from this is that people with problems in the bedroom, where their issues can become a self-fulfilling prophecy are more likely to look outside their relationship. With a new partner, they can start a clean slate and don’t have the history of these sexual problems. They also don’t have to see their new partner again if problems do arise.”
Continues the report: “People with sexual performance concerns often have issues with arousal, so they seek out situations that are highly arousing. Being with a new partner is risky and exciting and might help someone increase their arousal enough to avoid sexual problems. In the study, almost a quarter of men (23.2 per cent) and 19.2 per cent of women admitted they had cheated during their current relationship. “There was a huge gender difference in the results,” says Milhausen. “We did find that men who were happy in their relationship and satisfied in the bedroom were just as likely to cheat as those who weren’t. It wasn’t the same for women. Women who perceived their relationships to be less happy and not sexually compatible were almost three times more likely to cheat.”
In other words, if things are not going right in the bedroom, does that give us a right to be unfaithful? Kenneth, a successful engineer, married for 15 years and a father of four thinks so. In the last five years he’s had two or three lovers. “In every area of my marriage I’m satisfied except in the bedroom”, he defends himself. “My wife and I are just not compatible and there’s no chemistry any more. It’s not just passion I lack at home. I don’t have that much physical intimacy either. There’s also no romance, and that has affected our sexual relationship. With my current lover, there’s sex and emotional sharing.
“My conscience is clear in spite of the fact that I’m cheating on my wife. I have a deep love and respect for my family but I need someone else, with whom I can have a connection. Like the saying goes, body no be wood!”
Rosie Freeman-Jones is a spokesperson for one of the numerous dating sites on the web for married people. According to her: “If someone is going to have an affair, they will. A website like ours might inspire someone to go online and have a look around but it’s not the same as jumping into bed with someone. It’s actually more difficult to have an affair online as the process is a lot longer than just meeting someone in a bar. It means you get a lot of people dropping out who aren’t really serious about it.
“According to her, her research suggests “that, for me at least, cheating comes down to personality and it makes no difference how happy one is in a relationship”. However, she has some suggestions for keeping people on the road to fidelity.
“I encourage people who are highly aroused and easily turned on by risky sexual behaviour to bring this into their dyadic relationship. A lot of men say: Oh! I could never do that, with my wife’, but we say. ‘Do it’, it’s a lot better than risking your family unit. Also, if you have sexual performance concerns, get them checked out. You don’t need to cheat to boost your arousal. Lastly, men should be extra attentive to the fact women are much more likely to cheat if they feel unsatisfied in their relationship.
So what kind of a cheat are you?
Psychologist and sex relationship expert Donna Dawson says people cheat for different reasons.
The opportunist: This has nothing to do with their relationship and just means they’re in the right place at the right time and can get away with it. They might be curious and want to experience something new.
Infatuation Junkie: Men feel this more strongly as they are driven by testosterone. They are always looking for the chemical high you first feel when you’re initially attracted to someone. They stay around for as long as those intense feelings last before moving to the next one.
The affair of ego massage: People on long-term relationships might cheat to prove they’re still attractive. This usually happens when they hit a certain age and want to recapture their youth. It’s less about wanting a better sexual partner and more about wanting to reassure yourself that someone finds you attractive.
The affair of protest: This is when things aren’t going right in the relationship, and is particularly true of women when they don’t get enough attention at home. In other words: I’m not going to be treated like this so I will find what I need elsewhere. “Sometimes, this is a cry for help and they will leave hints around so their partner will find out and react, which proves they care.
The serious affair: The one to watch. This person is willing to walk away from their home and kids. They are tired of who they’re with and they don’t care if they get caught. It can coincide with a mid-life crisis or the menopause.
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